By Suzanne Carré

When it comes to vampires being the real bad boys of the preternatural domain, it is in the way they challenge our logic that causes concern over the validity of the myth. This time we have a real vampire paradox. Here now is a mathematical impossibility related to the consequences of the vampire’s bite.

In vampire lore, characteristics are passed on, one “generation” of vampires to another via the bite. Each time a vampire bites they somehow contaminate the victim and sometimes it only takes one encounter and you’re undead yourself. What do you do? Why you now bite others and turn them into vampires and so on. But wait a minute. How many vampires can the original vampire create this way? And how long does it take to turn us all into vampires?

This problem has been around ever since I can remember. If one cares to research it, it possibly arose after the first person ever read about the modern vampire myth when it first appeared in print. That was about 260 years ago and nothing like the world being overrun by vampires has happened yet. So that proves that vampires don’t exist—doesn’t it? Well, no. The only thing it proves is that our original assumptions are wrong. So lets have some fun with vampire figures (the numerical kind not the curvaceous type).

Double Shot of Vampire

There are many versions of the paradox. In August 2007, Costas Efthimiou and Sohang Gandi wrote a contentious paper “proving vampires do not exist.” It started a debate on the web, which is still going—and probably will for years to come. The basic premise of the vampire mathematical problem is this. We start with one vampire and he (it’s always a he) bites a human (has to be a girl) and the woman turns into a vampire. Then both vampires go out and bite a human each and then we have four vampires. This repeats for the four vampires converting four humans and so on. The vampire population doubles at a fantastic rate, and if left unchecked by various agents (vampire slayers, predation by other supernatural creatures etc), vampires overrun the entire planet.

In the published argument, the vampire converts one victim each month. If the vampire feeds every night, as in some movies, then the rate of conversion is obviously much greater. Originally I heard the story with three bites turning the victim into a vampire (a popular movie myth) so the doubling process takes place every three days. All the calculations assume the vampire only bites one person at every feed. Does it matter how many human beings we start with in the calculations? No, the vampire population doesn’t impinge critically on the human population until the vampires reach the millions, then there is no hope for us.

At a rate of one bite per month, the physicists gave the 17th century people a mere 30 months for total extinction of the human race. Their calculations depend on the important rule where vampires cannot feed each other because they need fresh human blood. If you use the scenario of a vampire feeding each night, but taking three bites to convert their victim then the rate is 10 times faster. So, starting on day 1 with one vampire, who hunts and by dawn creates another vampire, it only takes 3 months before three-fifths of present population is converted. That means by the dawn of day 96, there’s not enough humans (2.7 billion three nights before) to feed the 4.3 billion vampires created.

But if we have only one bite (much like a werewolf bite) changing the human into a vampire then the rate of conversion is much more rapid. After only 32 days we reach the same critical situation, so that on the last day for vampires on earth, all the vampires that didn’t start hunting early in the evening will starve.

Because werewolves are often associated with vampires, then, who wins the race to exterminate all the human beings on earth—Count Dracula or the Wolf-man? Lets start with the tradition of a vampire needing three bites over three days and the werewolf only biting on the full moon. After three moons the pickings are pretty thin my furry friends. If we assume the werewolves are predating the vampires (any control mechanism is welcomed here), then the wolves are howling. Will the werewolves win? Not at a monthly rate. Modern interpretations of both myths get the beasts of the night competing on fairly even ground, but of course changing the whole planet into vampires or werewolves hasn’t happened, and can’t logically happen. Why? For the sake of continuing the species, the myth cannot feasibly destroy the very food source it depends on.

So what went wrong with the math? Nothing is wrong with the calculations, it’s only the logic that is missing.

Science Fiction

The problem is not just in the assumptions made in the mathematical puzzle but also in the way the vampire bite works. It is not only a function of fangs but also what it is that transforms the human victim into a vampire. This has been a problem for all writers of vampire stories, and increasingly so now we have an expectation for scientific explanations in fiction. If we consider the idea of contagion, then the vampire condition becomes an incurable disease. The vampire bites and transfers a pathogen or a poison and the victim has no chance of recovery (except maybe to destroy the vampire—again much like the werewolf myth). So lets look at the vampire paradox from a more scientific aspect.

Let’s start with viruses and bacteria. I believe it is a fear of disease and lack of pathology that leads to the same paradox of the vampire overrunning the population with a deadly bite. The efficiency of the vampire disease in the recent “I Am Legend” movie, creates a mathematical problem where (almost) the entire population has changed to vampires. While the rules for the vampires only drinking human blood can be ignored to prevent starvation, it again relies on 100% efficiency of the bite, and calls for more than a super-bug.

If you do the statistics using simplified models of genetics, the maximum portion of a given population a disease can kill is approximately one third. It is not a coincidence that this is the death-toll of the Black Death in Europe. It is a function of mixing genes from the process of sex and one of the reasons why cloning is not a good idea. Then if we have a vampire with a deadly bite, only one in three victims would convert the into vampires. The rest would either get sick (and recover) or not even know they were preyed upon by a vampire. Those who recovered from the vampire would pass on their immunity and eventually the conditions for vampirism would, like the bubonic plague, settle into an equilibrium.

Ultimately, all viruses and bacteria have their limits. Then there are the other scenarios requiring a poison factor of the vampire or contact with the vampire’s blood. Again, we have an efficiency problem with too high a success rate of the vampire bite. If we have a mechanism where in the process of the bite the vampire transfers an agent, then it cannot be a sure thing like a poison for the vampire to convert you. If it is then you regenerate the paradox of overrunning the earth with vampires.

Vampire Sexual Secrets

I’ve thought about the problem of the vampire bite for my novel. Because I wanted to use a science fiction approach to the solution, it meant I needed two limiting factors, one on the agent (the substance) and concurrently on the vector (the vampire). It turns out the equation describing vampire biting is not simple and predictable. It needs to be complicated so it fits the statistical logic, evades suspicion by not having everyone in the neighborhood changing, and also prevents scientific proof of vampire nonexistence based on the paradoxes already mentioned.

I am not here to either prove or disprove a vampire. But if I decide the vampire exists for the sake of my novel then I can’t just ignore the problems of the past and disprove my vampires on purely logical grounds. I have stated that despite using the techniques of science fiction to create my vampires, I’ve concentrated more on the relationship between my two main characters. This is a novel rich in the sexual culture of the vampire more than how they function as entities.

So how do my vampires bite? With pleasure dear, with a lot of sexual pleasure. Their bite is nondestructive, having a prelude with a special kiss to excite the recipient and prevent detection. The shape of vampire fangs also determines the frequency of conversion, as does the agent responsible for changing us into vampires. To further reduce the rate of vampire converts, I limited the process to the male vampires due the function of their fangs, both mechanically and sexually. Then the agent is not potent and needs to be delivered in quantity or frequently. Irregular visits by vampires does not cause vampirism. I like the stealth of the vampire visit, and the uncertainty associated with each bite, to put an unsettling twist to the otherwise benign but erotic experience.

Then, how many vampires do I have in my novel? Not enough for even Buffy to worry about. For all those who believe vampires exist, please be happy with the thought you can’t disprove vampires with simplified calculations. If you are one of those people who doesn’t believe in vampires, sorry but I’ve increased the doubt factor considerably. Sleep with some garlic tonight, and write a comment here in the morning to tell me if it worked.

So far, I’ve looked at vampire history, how movies changed the way vampires look and behave, shattered the mirror myth, and considered the vampire paradox. There is one more trait of the supernatural bad boys, and this is their power of magic. Why are vampires associated with magic and what do they do with it is next.

« »